Jayne Martin

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” —Nora Ephron

The holidays, that joyous time of year when you get stuck talking to relatives and strangers you would otherwise avoid at parties you didn’t want to attend. Be prepared.

1)  Have you written anything I’d know?

     I don’t submit to Trucker’s World

2)  I’ve been thinking about writing a book, too.

     I’ve been thinking about building a house. How hard could it be?

3)  Weren’t you working on that thing last Christmas? When’s it going to be done?

     (For all to hear) You still sleeping with your wife’s sister?  

4)  How much money do you make?

     How’d your last prostate exam go?   

5)  You should write my life story.

      You’ll need to die first.

6)  I don’t read.

     Trump voter, huh?

7)  What’s your real job?

     Auditor for the IRS.

8)  My kid wrote a novel. Only 12. Damn genius. Would you read it?


9)  You wrote a book? Cool. Can I have a free copy?

      You sell cars? Cool. Can I have a free Beamer?

10) I hear Amazon will publish anything if you pay them.

       I hear you’re stealing cable from your neighbor.